PTSD

PTSD, what is it? PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, is more common amongst street cops then we care to admit. PTSD is a health issue that can develop in response to a traumatic experience, a life threatening event or extremely distressing situation that causes a person to feel intense fear, horror or a sense of helplessness. PTSD can cause severe problems at home and/or at work. PTSD is just a threat to modern law enforcement as cancer, high blood pressure and back problems. PTSD is treatable!

To set the record straight,  I am not a clinical psychologist, nor a professional counselor. I am a medically retired street cop and trained peer counselor. I first learned of PTSD in the early 90’s when I joined our departments peer support unit. I was sent to various classes to learn about the signs and symptoms of PTSD so I could better help my peers face their issues.

I remember the stories and truly couldn’t understand until many years later. I personally do not think anybody can understand PTSD unless they have it. This could be debated, but that is not the point. As a peer counselor, my job was to assist fellow officers that were involved in shootings and other traumatic events.

I personally developed PTSD over the course of numerous critical incidents, shootings and threats to my life. Officer involved shootings, or OIS, is a high factor that can contribute to PTSD. There is the imminent fear for your life, the decision to take action, and the second guessing we do on ourselves on what could have been done different. Flashbacks commonly occur for years.

My first OIS was on a sunny weekend afternoon when my next door neighbor was riding along for the night. The call was a neighborhood road rage between two intoxicated parties that escalated into a fight. I went to the apartment to cover the arresting deputy.

My partner knocked on the door, and I was offset from the door. There was a yell, and I swear to this day the door briefly cracked from the inside. I knew this was not going to be good! During the eventual contact, the suspect swore he was not going to be taken alive, and produced a very large knife while saying “I have this big ass knife right here!” I tried spraying the suspect with pepper spray to no effect. After a short chase through the apartment, lethal force became necessary.

I’ll never forget that moment. I heard one shot, and no more. My gun was shaking in my hand as I fired 7 shots, and then I remember thinking that I had to stop. Then the silence. Those that have lived it can truly attest to the silence of the dead.

Two seconds earlier there was a pure rage, and now just a silent body lying at my feet. I said a quick silent prayer and tried not to get sick. Nausea immediately set in, but I had to control it so I wouldn’t look week to my peers.

This was just one of many incidents that contributed to my developing PTSD. Over the next few years I was heavily involved in numerous other critical incidents, shootings and injuries that caused my PTSD to flare up again after I was seriously injured a second time.

After my last injury in 2005, where I fractured my neck, I went back to work again, and really had a tough time. Physically I could no longer do the job, and taking pain killers to put the uniform on was a daily occurrence. I knew this wasn’t good, but I refused to give in. I really loved being a deputy.

On the mental side, the PTSD was becoming a heavy burden to bear.  In the back of my mind,  I just knew I was going to die. Everyday when I left for work I figured it was my last. How long could my luck hold out? For whatever reason, I was as a magnet. I found trouble and trouble found me. When I wasn’t working, I was having nightmares about work.

One night, after a fight and near shooting, I knew that was it. My back was hurting so bad I knew I couldn’t hold my own anymore. That was my last night on patrol and a day I‘ll never forget. I knew my career was over and I had to learn to accept it.

When I was processing for a medical retirement due to the physical injuries I chose to ask for counseling. I only did this knowing I was being medically retired. I feared seeing a counselor like the rest of you. I wanted nobody to know, and was rather embarrassed by it. How could I, somebody that appeared unstoppable, desire counseling?

There are many signs and symptoms of PTSD. We do not all have the same symptoms, but they are all common as a victim of PTSD. Some of the symptoms include; intrusive memories, avoidance of behaviors, hyper arousal, alcohol abuse and persistence of these symptoms. There are many more symptoms, but this just highlights a few common ones.

To be treated, you have to let the counselor help. I had a hard time opening up. Each one would tell me to just let them help and trust them. Knowing I wanted help, I did just that.

With counseling and medication, the PTSD was overcome and I recovered much faster. My family was better off as I was less irritable and my quality of life vastly improved.

I don’t want to have you believe PTSD completely goes away because it does not. There are stressors or other factors that can cause immediate flair ups. However as the days go by, they are much less frequent.

Take the time and look around your squad room at your partners. Think of them and the incidents they may have been involved with. Are any of them showing some of the symptoms I have listed? Are they extremely irritable, drinking too much, appearing to quick to react or  calling in sick on a regular basis?

You are your partners best ally. They trust you with their lives. They are afraid to ask for help or do not recognize the fact it could benefit them. While working as a peer counselor, I personally have referred many colleagues for treatment and after the fact I have never heard anybody complain. All were helped and are the better for it!

Your partners count on you and helping them seek treatment is no different. You would surely drive them to the emergency room if they twisted an ankle. Take the time and offer if appropriate to drive them to a counseling appointment if needed. I have and would do it again.

Remember, they will not ask, but usually will jump on the opportunity if you open the doors. If you face some of these symptoms, please realize you are not alone! Take the time and get treatment. Please do this before you ever consider suicide, which takes more officers lives then on duty incidents. Do this for yourself, your family and your future today!

Michael