Beyond the Shield Journal of the American Police Veterans |
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Tarnished Badge, Shining Badge This entry was posted on 7/24/2007 11:34 PM and is filed under BadgeArt,Mug Shots,American Police Veterans,Swamp Badge,Disability,Shattered Shields,PTSD,Retirement,Advocacy. INTRODUCTION: When I first learned of this troubling story, I thought it might be inappropriate to post on the G/V WebBoard. After further consideration, I decided that was a wrong assumption as this story needs to be told. Denial may be in the forefront of many troubled marriages and reading about this pattern of abuse may help a victim to see things more clearly. All too often, domestic abuse can end in disaster for entire families. Prisons and graveyards are full of married partners who become either predators or victims of domestic violence. In this story, Mary was a victim, caught up in a brutal cycle of abuse, and possibly, she was emotionally unable to do anything about it. Could she be blinded by shame and fear, an intense uncertainty of what might happen if she fought back? My question, how much mental and physical abuse can a victim take at the hands of a monster and a bully? This story is true, the names are changed to protect the victim and the predator, I will refer to them as Mary and Ralph. This story is about a law enforcement marriage gone bad, a cancer of dysfunction, mental and physical abuse. Tarnished Badge, Shining Badge Mary's Story translated: In the spring of 1985, Mary met a man, and as fate would chance, both wore the uniform of a peace officer. Mary was a girl protected most of her youth. Having been raised around law enforcement, she grew to be very trusting of most law enforcement officers. Mary was youthful and curious, with an outgoing personality. After her appointment to the police academy she continued to be a lively personality, but always, conducted herself as a lady. For example, she knew little about the various types of illegal substances or what they looked like. In the Police academy she was taken under the wing of a DEA agent who taught her all about illegal substances. Then along comes Mr. Right, so she thought. She fell in love with a Deputy Sheriff whom we will call Joseph. The courtship was sweet and enduring. He acted like a caring and courteous man, one who opened her doors, treated Mary like a princess, and made her feel very much appreciated. However, during the courtship, as Mary would explain, a few things did happen from time to time. Unexpectedly, his voice would show signs of roughness and impatience with me. But never enough to raise my concern or arouse any suspicion. Mary knew other officers had shown similar mannerisms, and because of that, maybe, Mary failed to recognize warning signs of possible trouble ahead with Ralph. Shortly after a whirlwind romance, Mary and Joseph were married in a beautiful ceremony with all the trimmings. Her friends and fellow officers escorted her to the church. Joseph was already at the church in his dress blues and waiting for me to arrive, again, he was showing impatience toward me. And when the wedding ceremony was over, my story book romance as I believed it, took a sudden nose dive. Would you believe Joseph's temper accelerated on our honeymoon? Yes, that very first night, and with his fist swinging at me, he boasted when I hit you, no one will be able to see the bruises. Mary was now perplexed and in a sudden fear situation. She didn't know what to do or who to ask for help. She was too embarrassed to tell her family or her peers about what had taken place. What could she do? She was terrified and felt helpless. In the months to follow, the abuse continued. Both physical and verbal assaults escalated, a lady that loved being a law officer, was now caught up in the shame of being a battered wife at the hands of another law officer. A BABY ON THE WAY In the coming spring, Mary discovered they were going to be blessed with a newborn child, so excited, Mary first told her mother and father, and when she returned home to tell Joseph, his first words were: "it better be a boy is that clear." When she asked why he would say that, the fist flew again and struck her, however, this time she called 9-1-1. And to her dismay, the responding officers wanted to sweep this domestic incident under the rug. Telling Mary to keep silent, for she should not want to shame the honor of the badge. After the officers left the house, Mary turned to face Joseph, and was knocked to her knees with the blow of his nightstick, as she laid their crying, he was screaming at her, if you ever call 9-1-1 again - you may end up in your coffin. Later, Joseph was transferred to the day shift, and at 4am every morning and knowing Mary was now on complete bed rest so she wouldn't miscarry. He would drag her out of the bed into the kitchen and down a flight of stairs. All part of the brutal "made no sense" abuse pattern he was exhibiting in his off-the-wall behavior. Mary feared telling her Sergeant for fear it would get back to Joseph and no telling what would happen then. Mary was so frightened that she could not tell any of her friends except a close few. A tactic she concluded might help her when things got out of hand. And when Joseph would begin his temper thing, she believed she could beep or call for help, and they would come to her aid. The verbal abuse became as bad as the physical. In the fall, a beautiful daughter arrived, and would you believe, the violence even got worse. When he came home from a late evening shift, he would turn on the overhead light in the room or shine his light in the child's eyes, and wake her up. His favorite way to wake up Mary was to hit her with his police belt. Whenever the beatings would escalate, Mary would run for cover, after which she would end up getting handcuffed to the stair railing. Several times whipped with Joseph's police belt or punched in the back, or slapped on the back of her head. Mary continued to absorb this physical and verbal abuse till the early 90's, when Joseph finally left me to go take care of his parent's house. However, he chose to stay married in names only, and told Mary he would kill her if she ever divorced him. Then in 1994, the unthinkable happened when Mary was hospitalized with a very serious illness, and to no avail, she tried to keep him away from her. The family was told by hospital officials because he was the primary insured, he had to be let in, they could not keep him away. When he was called to sign legal papers, he confronted Mary's mother in the ICU waiting room and said; "only beep me if she dies." Every day he would come to the hospital to badger her. If she was sleeping, he would kick the hospital bed to wake her. He would tell her if she would die, that would make his life much easier for him. Being separated did not stop the verbal abuse, and the fear was always there for physical violence toward me. Again, Mary had no one to confide in. However, she did tell a few friends, and unfortunately they made her feel ashamed for taking such abuse, telling her it was her fault, because she never left the animal or sought a restraining order to keep him away from her. Today, Joseph's badge stands smudged from the abuse he inflicted on me. In his distorted mind, he believes his badge remains shining because it sits neatly tucked away in a closet after his medical retirement. Women of abuse are made to feel the guilt as their friends will tell them - it is their fault for staying in that abusive situation, I can understand that opinion, however, until you're there, you don't really know what you would do. What makes it difficult for a battered spouse like me, we really don't know what the other spouse is thinking or feeling or to what level they may take their abusive behavior. That must be part of the denial phase so easy to fall into, thinking the abuse will just go away. It's been very difficult for me trying to understand why my life would include so much abuse. As much as my close friends want to understand, they fall short of comprehending what it's really like. Maybe, you have to experience much of the same to ever really understand the destructive power it may have over you. Naive she may be, however, Mary never thought another law enforcement officer would take her hand in marriage, then turn on her like a rabid dog. Just the other day, Mary was pulled over for a minor traffic violation, as the officer approached the vehicle, Mary felt a strong sense of fear, if you will, a pressing uneasy emotion that made her feel extremely vulnerable and uncertain as to what he might do to her. She started to cry as the perceived stress of uncertainty began to weigh heavily on her, as she sat there scared and very nervous. Of course, the officer had no idea of why or what triggered Mary to act out the way she did. After all, he only saw the exterior of a woman in distress, maybe thinking, she was upset for her being traffic stopped for the first time in her life. The point I am making here is about the emotional baggage I now carry around with me. And all because of my accepting and tolerating the life of a battered wife. So I say to anyone out there who may be suffering the same, don't wait around to see what your abusive spouse might do next? And don't go to your friends for help, you need professional help, there are skilled services and persons who make it their business to help you. And once a domestic predator realizes he or she cannot continue to abuse their partner it should stop or they end up behind bars. As in all walks of life, there are a few bad apples, this story is not about police officers being bad, it's about a fraud who hid behind the shining badge and the uniform, pretending to be what he was not. So you see, not every officer is abusive in their marriage, it just so happened to Mary, that a guy named Joseph, a retired police officer is a wife batterer, and I'm sure will pay a heavy price when he goes before his maker someday... Unfortunately for me, I still have to contend with an abusive partner from time to time. Hopefully, I will get that long awaited freedom from abuse sooner than later. I'm working hard on it as I say goodbye for now . . . CommentsDisplay comments as (Linear | Threaded)
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